Monday, April 3, 2017 2017 my insight.......

I'm going to talk about a sticky topic....because it's my blog and I can lol but also just my own personal insight.
DISCLAIMER: these are obviously NOT facts.....just my observations, experience, and the things I hear and when people confess to me like I'm their priest.

I am a Korean-American from NYC, which is a melting pot of different races and ethnicity but I grew up in a very "racist" sort of household, my father had his foot down and basically said: "you marry and stick to your own kind" That by the way, isn't even Chinese or Japanese, or anything like that, nope, GOTTA be Korean. Oh and needs to speak Korean too, or "he's not good enough" either. LOL.
However, I was between Queens and Manhattan (Spanish Harlem) and then put in an all private all girls school where it was 90% predominately white, specifically "Irish Catholic" girls. And guess what? I quickly adapted to the people around me and I soon began liking "white guys" especially the time when N-SYNC and Backstreet Boys were popular. But I kept that to myself, because I knew my dad would be upset if he knew I found "white boys" physically more attractive than Korean guys.

Then when I went to college, I was finally in a school where it was CO-ED and of course I went crazy. But the guys I have been with were again, white. Blondes, red heads, dark haired, blue eyes, brown eyes, etc I just found them physically attractive. I did also date Korean guy (but we broke up because he was too traditional) and I dated someone who was half Black and half Hispanic. I was pretty open to the idea of dating different colors and races, but again I preferred white.

Question is, am I racist because I don't date say Asians or Blacks? Because I'm physically more attractive to white guys more than other races. Then I start looking at my circle of friends and it's also predominately white guys and girls too, I would say 80% and 20% is mixed. So because of that, am I racist?

Can we just give a simple answer of: these are the people I draw in and I find myself drawn to as well, NOT focusing on color or race? That it just "happened" this way and it's not like I was doing this on purpose?

Then in the work force there seems to always be an under lining teams of certain races going "against" each other OR joining one team. Mostly it's minorities against the whites........kinda like men vs women.

It's sad to see this to be honest, but it is what it is. And the question is why does it happen this way? Shouldn't we be more focused on "right vs wrong" rather than race? Despite the color of your skin, if you did something wrong, you're wrong and you need to be punished/have consequences. Isn't that a simple thought? NOT oh because he's white or Asian or black, etc? Think about it this way: you're a parent your two kids get into trouble so what do you do? Punish BOTH of them because they messed up right? Not think to yourself, "well John has blonde hair so he deserves a less severe punishment than Mike who has brown hair" lol. Who thinks that way? Just think about that for a moment.....

I'll switch gears to bi-racial/ mixed people. What do they identify themselves to? When I look around and the people I think about and have socialized, I realized who ever primarily was home and raising them is the "dominant" race. Usually mothers, and whatever race she is, the kids follow suit. Kind of. Then again it's also family surroundings, school surroundings, and what they are taught/not taught and about their races/culture. Then you always have a group of people who "feel sorry for them" or who clucks their tongue and say, "oh their mom or dad didn't teach them how to be, blah blah" and I can't help but to think about it and raise an eyebrow and ask, Is this true? Is there some truth to this?

What is it like to be a mixed child raised in the USA? Suburb vs City life? NYC lifestyle vs the deep south where it's mostly white people? They have confided in me that they got ridiculed, made fun of, racial slurs, curious of what it's like to "fuck them", got into fist fights, and lost in their own identity....This is why I say parenting is extremely difficult. This is why I say raising a child, children (because it starts there) is hard because they learn what their own parents teach them and what they say. THEN they get older and experience things, watch things, and slowly develop their own identity....

Then there's a handful of people where you're adopted into a white family or Asian family or black family when you're not. I have a friend who's completely Korean and he was adopted by a white family, and he was raised in the south and without much guidance or multi-cultural influences for him. I believe it effected him NOW, when he's older........I think he struggles being "white" and being "Korean" and not sure which one he fits mostly with.
I actually told him my honest answer, which was--" if he was raised in the big city, it might have turned out better."
A place where there's many different races, cultures, and people. I cannot entirely fault his parents too for I don't know how much they taught him or didn't teach him. And I'm assuming they did the best they could with the tools and knowledge they had.

I wish there was an easy answer to an easy situation......I wish I can say the good old "Why can't we all get along?" And why does life have to be so complicated and grey? Why can't we be good and act good to others......

But the truth is, it comes within us; educating ourselves, learning, helping each other, being kind to each other, and understanding one another. We are all part of the human race, and we should try to always remember that-- before we "jump to conclusions" or before we start to "hate"....

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Social Media and Relationships........

Yeah you knew this was coming folks you did. lol

In 2016 EVERYONE has FB (but shockingly some young people don't lol and I praise them). Most people also have Instagram and Snapchat. But what about those anonymous apps like Whisper where you post anonymously all your deepest darkest secrets (contemplating suicide, fucking your family member, hating someone, etc)
Denying social media to someone now is like denying a cup of water, lol. EVERYONE cannot live without their phones (of course there's always the 10%) and everyone is constantly looking at FB status, posting pics, texting, gaming, etc.

But what happens when things start to become grey.....especially when you're in a serious relationship/marriage?

What is OK/allowed vs wtf, are you cheating?

Time Out:
I had an ex BF who was OBSESSED with his phone and social media apps. And I mean obsessed. He carried his phone EVERYWHERE. To the bathroom, to get a drink of water, upstairs, etc. He was also obsessed with social media apps, talking to random girls, snapchatting, sending photos, Whisper, and God knows what else he did behind my back. I ignored it when all the signs were there, unfortunately. Always had his phone face down and silent, even at home.....Got nervous when you picked it up to move it....

Anyway, so I ask men AND women a few questions.....
Disclaimer: This by the way goes for just serious, monogamous relationships and marriages. If you're single do whatever you want. lol.

1. It's OK to have social media like FB and Instagram, etc. You're showing the whole world you're happy perfect life. Babies, vacations, food, bf/gf, etc. So this is fine. It's okay to vent as well. BUT you really should try to refrain from airing your dirty laundry. Plus if you talk about heated topics like Presidential Debate, do NOT be surprised if both sides rant on your wall. lol. No surprise.

2. It's OK to talk to girls and guys who are your friends, as long as everyone is on the same page right? Keeping it real/clean talk. Nothing suggestive or creepy. lol.

3. It's OK to be on your phone and play games and send photos and text and check your emails. You may have a job like that requires your to do so or you like to de-stress with games.

4. Is it okay to talk to totally random strangers? Depends....On the topic, how long are the conversations, and how much interaction is there. Is it just a few hours? A day? A few days?  A week? Longer than a's getting into that grey/bad area IMHO lol.

5. Is it okay to send pics to the opposite sex? Yes sure. Is it okay to send sexy/nude films? Nope. Sorry, that isn't right. You have a gf at home and I'm hoping who you have sex with regularly and find attractive, so.......why would you need to send pics of your dick and such? Think about this this way, what if the tables were turned and your gf did that? Would you like it if she sent boob pictures to some random Joe? Something to think about it.......

6. Is sexting/video sex okay? Nope. Again why?

7. Meeting up in person.........but nothing happened. Probably NOT a good idea......

I found out from talking to and getting opinions from Whisper what is "okay" and what is "not okay"

Guys KNOW what they are doing but do it anyway and most of them say it's NOT cheating because they actually didn't fuck that person. TRUE. BUT.......have you heard of an emotional affair? That can later on lead to a stronger bond......And how long do you carry on this emotional bond? How DEEP is the emotional bond? and importantly WHY are you having this behind-the-screen-every-day-texting-talking? What is missing in your life.....? Are you in a unhappy marriage/relationship? Are you sooo bored with nothing to do? Are you a student and in between classes and lunch you are bored? Are you attention hungry? Do you need constant compliments of your looks and personality? Does it feel good when your ego is stroked?

I realized many of those men and women are creating a fantasy version of themselves. Everything is perfect. They tell you what you want to hear, compliment you, worry with you, uplift you. They have no stress, worries, $ issues, tempers, anger issues, nothing. It's all happy, sex, funny talk. So it's a facade they have created behind these social media apps. Because when you meet in REALITY, I would say 80% is a greatly disappointed from whatever you imagined and vice versa.

Where do you draw the line? What is wrong and right? What can you forgive vs hell no we are breaking up? How would you feel if behind your back your partner did this? Would you honestly feel okay? Why do we do this?

I'm NOT judging anyone. Hey, life is tough right? Stressed out with $, kids, mortgage, work, your wife or husband gets on your nerves, school is hard, etc. So perhaps this is one's outlet right? Talking anonymously and seeking attention? Showing pictures on Tumblr. Sexting random people. I understand to a certain degree.......

Just two warnings I give to people:
1. IF you get caught.....don't blame anyone except yourself. You went into this with open eyes and prepare yourself with consequences.
2. Why do you do this? Can you control it somewhat? Or will it be a habit that grows into an addiction...? Because you can be addicted to anything......

So use Social Media It's the fine line between too much and just right.......

Monday, December 28, 2015

What do we want?

Hi Everyone,

Wow, it's been a year since I've posted my blog......and already 2015 is wrapping up and another year will begin.

This has been interesting to say the least......I've traveled to parts of the US I would have never thought I would wind up, I was in the military world, I have met new friends, and I have learned a lot about the little things, the big things, and what makes us happy, what makes us tick.

I'll start out with Facebook. People of course post picture perfect photos of their lives: their birthdays, anniversaries, trips, new babies, and so on. No one posts pictures of: depression, losing a parent, divorce, heartaches, money problems, relationship drama, and so forth. We all want to paint a pretty pictures of what makes us smile and happy. OR we re-post funny videos or inspirational quotes if we don't have much to say. And of course the forever selfies which we are all guilty of too. (Selfies are important because only the individual can control the camera and how many pictures you must take to get the "perfect one")

But what do our FB pictures, quotes, re-posts tell us? What do we want? I'll tell you what, we want to be loved. To be happy and loved, it's as simple as that. Many people in the world (more so in the South), want nothing more than a family and children. That to them is happiness. Others want to make a lot of money, 6 figures with bonuses. Perhaps they grew up poorly and they think making more money will give them the freedom to buy things and save for the future. This makes them happy. Some want travel and try all new and wild things. To them going to Bora Bora or the beautiful mountains of Switzerland is happiness, traveling and discovering things. Others just want that "one person" in your life forever and ever and that is not only a scary thing but we just don't know......but to be with that person you love is happiness. It may be to show everyone you have the greatest husband/wife/bf/gf in the world, that you want the whole world to know how in love you guys and  that is your definition of happiness.

I believe as a whole we are pressured to be happy, and in order to be happy we have to be perfect. We have to have a high paying job (who doesn't want more money?), the caring and devoted and incredibly funny and hot wife/husband who won't cheat, a group of friends you can ALWAYS count on rain or shine, a svelte body that everyone will be envious or, children who are healthy in both body, soul, and mind and with the "perfect" amount of mischievousness but not too much or else it's trouble/headache, the in-laws you get along perfectly with, and oh self improvement for yourself and be a good Samaritan in this world.  So, in theory in order to achieve happiness, we strive to be perfect. Because people always think: "if only she was better at this" or "if only he changed that" or "if only i did this and that", and the word we hate: but.....Everything is great but.....oh that's wonderful but i wished......

I believe instead of being pressured to be happy to other people's standards, to society's standards I say just fuck it and do your own thing that makes YOU happy. Because at the end it's YOUR the end you only live the end it's YOUR decisions (good or bad, right or wrong) you live with. In the end people will criticize you and judge you and rip you apart anyway, so why not be happy under your own terms than what society tells you to be: the happy-go-lucky outstanding wife/husband, mother/father, daughter/son, friend, and employee who needs to do all of this and be "good at" at all these roles to be a happy person.

Just try to make the changes you can in your own life and be the best person you can be daily and you are already half way to being happy. You cannot force happiness. You cannot force love. But you can try to be true to yourself, strive to make changes, and stay positive. Happiness and Love should be right around the corner.....

Friday, October 17, 2014

Three Things You Learn To Say/Do After Turning 30

I'm currently 33 years old and although I'm not wise or super experienced, I have learned a lot from my mistakes and from well, as cliche as it sounds "growing up". Here is my take on what you learn after you turn 30.

1. Learn to say NO. Saying no is harder than you think and depending on the situation you can be called out as a "bitch" or "selfish" or "mean" but honestly you need to learn how to say no. Now there's many ways on saying no and I found the best way is to give a short and truthful explanation with the reply of "no". That way you are honest with the other person and giving a reason why you're saying no. This applies to saying: No at work, No to a bff, No to a family member, or No to an overbooked social calendar. Saying "No" is NOT about harming anyone or being offensive but saying this instead: "I have my limit, I know what I want, and I had experienced this before so I know what to expect". Try saying no to small things and work your way up, and if someone is offended it's fine. They will get over it. This is about what you can do for that person/situation and sticking to your guns, simple as that.

2. Jealousy and how to deal with it. I am an avid reader of Cupcakes and Cashmere and she had a post about turning 30 and dealing with jealousy. It was a fantastic one paragraph insight on what she thinks and why, and I completely agree with her. As you get older, the "youngins" will come up the ladder and that is completely normal and the way of life; whether this is at work or in relationships/dating, or at parties/events, etc. There will ALWAYS be someone better than you in whatever you hone your skill in/take pride in. Someone will always be prettier, taller, better skin, hotter body, well dressed, more knowledgeable in sports or fashion, smarter, more tech savvy, etc. The best thing is to accept it graciously and move on. Don't fight it, don't challenge it/him/her, don't drive yourself crazy with it in other words. And you know what the best part is? YOU now have experience b/c you're in your 30s or 40s or 50s you can teach someone or take someone under your wing. Ta-da! But only do this with someone you do care about or want to help NOT out of spite/some weird competition/etc because things can turn ugly. Also, focus more on what is important to you and what makes your happy. When you are focused, positive, and happy you are NOT in an ugly cycle of jealousy. Trust me. So take a moment back and reflect on your own life and if you want to make improvements than go ahead and do that. Jealousy is just a feeling and remember only YOU can control it.

3. If you're not happy with your life, CHANGE IT NOW. Sounds obvious right? But nope they're people out there that suffer in silence or too lazy or in denial or whatever it is. I'll tell you another thing too; YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUNGER. I know mean right, but that's the truth. Plus there's a thing called, resentment. And that's the worst, that and regret. Of course you cannot change ALL things like grow 6 more inches or make 100k extra or anything like that, but if you have the power and knowledge to change something in your life then do it. Work on it little by little, that's okay. Make small changes, that's fine too. Try and try again, till you get the hang of it. Don't like where you are/how you're life is; sit down and make a plan and move with it. Don't just talk the talk because no one can do it for you. ONLY you can do it for yourself. Because if you don't make any changes and just suffer inside you'll resent anyone around you, especially your loved ones. And then you get older and what else do you feel besides the obvious regret, you feel and become bitter. Trust me, I know people like this. So again if you're sincerely not happy with your life and you know in your heart you CAN do something, than do it. Yes, it's scary. Yes, you'll have to come out of your comfort zone, Yes, you will/can fail, Yes it's not easy but trust me, you'll feel much better in the end that you tried and did it than to have no tried at all.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Playing the Game...

I'm going to first say, this is only what I've learned and my experience in my life, NOT saying this is all true or all instances. And this isn't for young vs old vs race vs money vs education etc, playing the game can be at any stage in your life. (unless you're in a monogamous marriage for 20+ years/grandparents, etc)

I've met and interacted with a lot of people and some of them are honestly CLUELESS when it comes to "playing the game" in a relationship/dating. (Hook ups are different, it's just sex so there should be NO feelings involved...)

1. One the first few and i mean FEW dates, DON'T act 100% yourself. All that weird idiosyncrasies, habits, FB stalking, habits, fears, etc keep it inside of you. Deep inside. The first few dates is just a "hi, i like you so let's go out to drink or dinner" NOT okay future husband, here's my baggage/drama/deal. You scare off the person and they go thinking, "yikes what the fuck is wrong with this person?" AND they will tell others how "weird" you are and spread the word around. You don't want a bad reputation right from the beginning right? We're just getting started here.

2. Definitely have a little "hard to get" when things are going well/in the beginning. Dating in the beginning is a game. You don't want to be too easy because then they get bored and think you're an easy catch, but if you play too much of ice princess you're going to get dumped because honestly there's plenty of fish out there. And you're not special, period. So remember to push and pull a bit but don't over do it.

3. DON'T start thinking he/she is the best person in the world and you're in love forever and going to be Mrs. blah blah blah. Remember this is the honeymoon stage OF COURSE it's all rainbows and kittens. Just take it day by day and moment by moment and cherish it and enjoy it. No need to start thinking about the future and how perfect this person is. Remember: Low expectations, that way when you find out someone is fantastic (and truly is) you'll be pleasantly surprised and happy.

4. When things don't work out and you've already "had the talk", it's honestly time to move on.  It basically means one thing really: they don't care and/or disregards your feelings/requests. You can't change people and you can't control people, it has to come within that person. OR that person isn't for you.

5. Texting: in this world of texting there's so many silly rules we should follow or whatnot and sadly to say it works. lol. I can't exactly pinpoint the "rules" but put it simply, don't over text and text paragraphs to you new piece. Definitely do the text here and there and allowing one to respond back. I think a good rule is 48 hours, but that's just me. If someone texts you at night usually after 9pm sorry but it's a BOOTY CALL. Sorry sister/brother but it's not because they want a relationship rather to get laid. Stop fooling yourself. Also, if there's something important, big, good/bad news, it's better to talk in person. Texting like e-mail has no real voice or emotion and you cannot see their body language.

6.  My father told me this a long time ago and I know it's kinda fucked up and even sexist (from his point of view) but know what you want, and know what you're looking for. Are you looking for a hook up/fuck buddy? A boyfriend/girlfriend but nothing too serious? Husband/Wife/Partner type? Once you know what you're looking for at your own stage in life, you'll be able to make better choices. And I'm a firm believer that there is that different type of person for you throughout your life.

7. Lastly.......if you get rejected/dumped/blocked/whatever it made be cry and reflect (it's OKAY!) and then move on. Life isn't perfect and everyone makes mistakes and things don't work out and timing isn't right and so forth. It's honestly okay to feel bad and shitty and sad, ALLOW the pain to come out. And after some time (whatever that may be to you) pick yourself up again and go out there, remember there's SOOO many people out there, don't be afraid! 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Difference between married and "in a relationship"

It's no secret that I'm actually OVER 30 and married and so far, I have to admit I love married life. I love and adore my husband for so many reasons and I love this partnership, marriage I have. He cooks, I clean. He's playing games on his computer all day and I'm on my Mac or out shopping or watching old dvds.
But after 5 years I have noticed a few differences between being married and in a relationship (in no particular order)

1. whether you like it or not unless you are both orphans/hate parents/don't see family, you're definitely tied into family matters. the good AND the bad. i am very fortunate that I not only get along with my in-laws, but I love them so much and hang out with them. of course this isn't the same for everyone and that's fine, just remember to try and be civil at the least and if you're super mad/pissed off, back off and take a breather. you DON'T want to say something you regret to your in-laws b/c that can last for a very long, long, time.

2. when you are out together, that is what it is, TOGETHER. that means you shouldn't fight/cause scenes in public, make sure each other dresses accordingly to an event (i HATE seeing the woman looking glamorous and the husband in nasty sneakers, ripped t-shirt, and jeans and messy hair; take care of your man!), check up on each other at parties from time to time especially if your other half is shy, and the big thing i want to emphasize and (even for me) is try new things together.  Sure, it can be challenging and frustrating but in the long run I feel that it can strengthen a relationship even more when you both achieve something together, or at least encourage each other.

3. you can't go around hugging other men as freely as you want. i'm a VERY affectionate and "huggy" type of person, i always was and still am. i used to greet everyone with a hug and some times even kiss on the cheek. i realized now, you really shouldn't go around hugging single men. my hugs have changed from a "long, good hug" to a "short, 3 second" hug when I greet people.

4. DON'T go displaying your dirty laundry in public. i cannot emphasize this enough! i know, i know girls love to gab and talk and bitch and moan, etc and that's fine but keep it at a minimum. once you start the tale of woe and telling EVERYONE in DETAIL, things get distorted/exaggerated and you know what? People start gossiping and wondering "wow, what a drama couple". you don't want that kind of image right? Again it's fine to let out some steam and bitch to your best girlfriends but don't go writing it up on the papers. Because it will bite you in the ass one day.

5. where is the line between flirting and "going too far?" hmmmm. hahaha (my wicked laugh). i always go by the easy rule, there's nothing wrong with window shopping. i have to admit i'm a big flirt and i really like talking to men, women, and children. i'm a social butterfly. laughing is fine too. you start meeting people and find things you have in common and/or have the same idiosyncrasies. maybe you want to have a cup of coffee or lunch? is that bad? is it okay if both parties are married vs if one is married and the other isn't? where do you draw the line? just because one is 10 years younger than you, is that "okay" b/c he's like a "kid brother" to you? all i can say is two things: one if you think something might "happen" DON'T EVEN START and two be honest with your significant other. i tell Geoff everything b/c I don't want any secrets and surprises and i feel free/not guilty.

This is of course all my opinion and I'm only married 5 years. And for all my single friends out there: being single should be celebrated as well! find out who you are, what you want, travel, try new things, etc. and NEVER settle with someone you think is just "so-so" with or what society assumes you should be with. including your family.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Working in service...

I've been working at a coffee shop for now almost 7 months and so far I really like it a lot. I really like my co-workers, my job, most of my customers, and the fun environment. Plus I don't mind having a day off in the middle of the week too. Minus the low wage, I'm really happy at where I am. But of course nothing is perfect and there's definitely some stress that comes with working in a service job.  You got your regulars, which I love and then there's everyone else in between as well. See, I've been an office girl since I was about 23 and at 31 in an service job here's what I observed.

a. Why do people look at us like we are stupid? I can assure you we are not because we've been doing this over a year (s) and we've been trained to do what we do. Plus, please don't repeat the order over and over again, I'm not deaf and again I know what I'm doing. (of course if we just started that's a whole other case and you should nod your head and "understand" he/she is new)

b. Just because you're having a shitty day, please don't take it out on us. We work for less than $10/hr and we are humans too. Whatever it may be: two hour meetings, your period, you fought with your bf/gf, can't find your iphone, whatever it may be, please try to understand we just make and serve coffee to you and that's really it. What if at YOUR office/work place someone takes their bad moods out on you? How would you feel? Exactly.

c. Because we are wearing uniform, we like to dress to the nine when we're not. I sometimes envy women who are dressed really nice because I wish I can do that. I guess that's why I go shopping even more and have my closet filled with more clothes I know I won't be wearing any time soon. Plus when we finally do go out for some fun it's like "omg what do we wear??" "i gotta look cute!" when we are just going to the movies, you know in the dark.

d. If we make a mistake it's because it was what it's called a mistake. We are humans, we can make a mistake sometimes. It's not earth shattering and we will have it fixed. Accidents happen and so will mistakes, no one is perfect and not every day is perfect. Again, think about yourself and ask yourself "Have I ever made a mistake at work?" "Have I made an error in judgment at work?". Please try not to be so hard on us, we're doing the best we can to accommodate to you.

These are things I wish others thought about too. I know, I know it's hard to think outside your own world but just give it a try. Like I said we are humans and not robots and after our shift is over we are just like you a consumer.